Today I

Flew home from Indiana.  We had gone back to see Grandma.  We had gotten word a few weeks ago that, if her new chemo wasn't working, she'd have little time.

I'm glad we made the plans when we did, and I'm glad we went when we did.  She declined pretty fast in the three days we were there.

When we saw her on Sunday, Kel and I got to surprise her with the news that we're expecting another one.  Everyone in the family was stunned, and grandma was thrilled that we told her first.  So happy to have given her that boost.

Johann was a bit nervous about being around her, and understandably so, with the oxygen, etc.  It was sad in some ways, that he just doesn't know that this was his last chance with her.  He just doesn't know.  But he settled down enough for grandma to give him kisses.  She watched him laugh and play and interact with everyone in the living room, from her new bed, and she smiled.  She made faces with him when he made some faces for her.  She played with him.

She told me she loves me, that she and grandpa will always be with us.  Told me not to fight, to always look after each other.  That my mom has worked hard. That she'll miss us, that she doesn't want to go, and has things to do.  I suppose that's a good thing.  I better not run out of things to do or reasons to be here.

Today, I whispered in her ear the secret of my fortune with the IPO.  I told her not to worry about mom, because the IPO made me a m.....  I want to always remember the look she gave me.  It was both a smile and a super sly look of pride.  As if to say "I'm thrilled, and also, you fucker for not telling anyone, but also, so awesome that you didn't tell anyone".  She told me it made her happy and made her not worry about my mom so much. She asked me to look after her and the others, and I told her I have broad shoulders.  She also told me to make sure mom picks up after herself. I think she was half joking.

I promised her we'd all always be close, that the cousins are all tight and would remain so.  I credited her and grandpa with my success, as they're the ones who pushed for education, and helped fund mine.

In her time with Kelly, grandma put her hand on Kelly's abdomen, in a little moment of giving some great grandma love to the new one.

Grandma told me yesterday not to worry, that if she didn't like it, she'll come back.  I laughed.  Today I told her to hug Grandpa for me. 

The only thing I ma have left unsaid is that there's always a path back for Uncle Bob, but I know she knows this.

I wore my pink heart today.

On the plane home, Kel and I had middle seats on opposite sides of the aisle.  The lady next to me was very kind, she has a 7 month old.  People were pretty good to us.  Johann was pretty cute.  The lady next to me was less thrilled, but it made me a bit more positive about humans.

I don't know how much time I have with grandma. There's no one in the world who loves me like she does, and I tolde her.  She said "darn right".

Today "who will make the cookies?"  Told her I'd think of her, especially at Christmas.  I'll make cookies with Johann and talk about her.  Maybe my mom will do that with him, too.

Today I

• Pulled a 1:21.0 for 30 seconds
• Helped Johann to stand on his own in the front yard.  He then took three steps towards me, and fell onto me, hugging my neck. It was perfect.  He's going to be OK.

Today I

• Tonight, Johann was on the back patio after dinner, and was curious about a not-quite-ripe tomato near the door.  He had just seen me bring one in. I told him that no, we can't pick it, we have to wait, and he got a bit upset.  So I offered him the chance to pick the other tomatoes, the cherry tomatos.
• I gave him one, and he of course, squished it right away.  Then I tried to pop one directly in his mouth, and he found this hilarious.  So we played that game for a while, me trying to put it in his mouth, him looking incredulously at me and laughing.
• When Kel came out, I thought I'd show him the tomatoes were for eating by giving it to her.  She ate is.  Johann thought this was funny, and wanted me to do it again.  I did.  Still funny.
• Kel went in, and Johann and I picked a few more. He eventually ate some.  But then I picked one, and he said "Mum!".  I carried him in to where Kel was sitting at the kitchen table, writing email on her laptop announcing her new job to her current consulting partners.  Johann held out the cherry and put it in Kel's mouth.  Then signed "more, more!".
• So we spent the next 15 minutes back and forth to the garden and the house, Johann sometimes eating some (and squirting seeds all over himself) but generally preferring to give them to Kelly, and sometimes to me.
• As we had picked nearly every available tomato out there, I brought him back in, and we were playing onthe white couch.  I had a few tomatoes in my hand.  I gave Johann one, while he was standing.  He chose to put it in my mouth.  So sweet.  I told him "thank you" and he gave me the sweetest hug, snuggling in and patting me like a giant friendbeast.  Then he grabbed my face, gently, and put a kiss on my cheek.  It was just the best.  Felt like his way of thanking me for the fun in the garden.
• I planted those cherry tomatoes with the sole hope of Johann picking them and liking them.  I wanted him to have memories of them, and I really hope tonight will have helped make that happen.  it was all worth it.